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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  November 21, 2018 11:34pm-12:38am PST

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to about 10:00 tomorrow night, it looks like rain. the lower elevations we could see one and a half plus for the higher elevations. we guy out this weekend and next tuesday and wednesday, a slight chance of showers. if you're going north watch out for flash flood watches and going to the east, a winter storm warning. stay safe on the roads and all will be good tomorrow. >> for those of us trying the turkey, are we ok outside? >> i think midday is your time. that's where we're going to leave its. >> we're grateful we made it to thanksgiving. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests --
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tim allen, sophia the robot and tonight showbotics, musical guest meek mill, and feuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 9-6-6, saudi arabia. >> steve: and now here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much. thank you. thank you very much, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here. well, you guys, tomorrow is
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thanksgiving. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow. and i saw that a record of 30 million americans are flying this year. yeah. when the airlines heard that, they were like, "yeah, we'll see about that." [ laughter ] [ applause ] around 30, yeah. i heard that 50 million people are traveling by car. thanksgiving car rides are great, because after fighting with your extended family all day, it is nice to get back to fighting with your immediate family. [ laughter and applause ] you kind of need that. but thanksgiving traffic is already pretty bad. take a look at this footage, this is real, from los angeles last night. look at that. [ audience ohs ] those people aren't going home for thanksgiving. they're going home for christmas. >> steve: what? [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: well, after thanksgiving, the holiday shopping season officially begins. it's when everyone has to decide, do i want to get trampled on black friday or have my identity stolen on cyber monday? [ laughter and applause ] that's right, black friday is coming up. and lots of stores are running special promotions to attract customers. and some of them unveiled a a slogan for that big day.
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i'll show you what i mean here. for example, there's best buy. their slogan is, "give us your emergency contact info before you come inside." [ laughter ] this is for your sake. next it's sears. their slogan is, "it is the most crowded day of the year. six customers." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: really? six people? >> jimmy: next up is costco. their slogan is, "where wwe meets hoarders." >> steve: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: "honey, quick, get that. >> steve: "quick, quick, get it." >> jimmy: "its 100 pack of paper towels." [ light laughter ] next is kay jewelers, their slogan is, "every kick in the groin begins with kay." [ laughter and applause ] and finally, there's radio shack. their slogan is, "you not too late, our shelves are always this empty." [ laughter and applause ] good luck out there. of course, tomorrow is the macy's thanksgiving day parade. and i heard it could be one of the -- [ cheers and applause ] you guys are going? i'll be going. i heard it could be one of the coldest parades in decades.
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check out what some of the balloons had to say about the freezing temperatures. first up, the pillsbury doughboy said, "i don't know why i thought this kerchief was enough to keep me warm." [ laughter and applause ] then charlie brown said, "it's times like this where i wish i had more than one strand of hair." [ laughter ] and finally, chase from "paw patrol" said, "i peed on a fire hydrant and got stuck there for hours." >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: you gotta do it. you guys hear about this? health officials want everyone to throw away their romaine lettuce, because it might have e-coli. and in response, iceberg lettuce was like, "well, well, well. look who came crawling back. [ laughter and applause ] oh, the old romaine people." [ light laughter ] of course, donald trump is always in the news. sometimes he says some pretty questionable things. and while we can't filter what he says, we can filter how he looks when he says it. i'll show you what i mean. it's time for trump filters. here we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> how dark is your mode? >> it's very light. and i will tell you, i'm extremely --
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[ laughter ] the white house is running like a well oiled machine. [ laughter ] it's doing really well. i have great people. i will make some changes, but not very many. >> jimmy: there you go. [ cheers and applause ] guys, we're all affected with what goes on in the news. sometimes we can feel totally different about a news story before and after it breaks. here, i'll show you what i mean. it's time for before and after. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ before and after before and after ♪ >> jimmy: so i'll read a news story and then show you how everyone feels before and after. first up, a blast of arctic air will hit the northeast on thanksgiving. here we are before the arctic blast. [ light laughter ] and here we are after. [ laughter and applause ] next, this study says that the average person consumes over 3,000 calories on thanksgiving. here we are before thanksgiving dinner. [ light laughter ] and here we are after. [ laughter and applause ] next, health officials say all
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romaine lettuce should be thrown away because of e-coli. here we are before hearing we shouldn't eat salad. and here we are after hearing we shouldn't eat salad. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] and finally, tonight washington d.c. is allowing more than 200 bars to serve alcohol until 4:00 a.m. [ cheers ] here we are before the night begins. [ light laughter ] and here we are after 4:00 a.m. [ laughter and applause ] well, at least we're having a a good time. we're having a good time. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: oh, this isn't good. guys, ikea just announced that they are cutting 7,500 jobs. ikea workers weren't happy. they were like, "this is slurgen bullsharf." [ laughter and applause ] finally, in a new interview, patriots quarterback tom brady said that if he could choose someone to play him in a movie, it would be mark wahlberg. makes sense, because by law, every movie about someone in boston has to be played by mark wahlberg. [ laughter and applause ]
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oh we have a great show for you tonight. give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. from the show "last man standing," tim allen is here tonight. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a funny, funny dude. plus, i'm very excited for this. we have some amazing robots on this show, including the return of sophia the robot. >> steve: oh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's another installment of tonight showbotics. i cannot wait for that. and to close out the show, meek mill is here to debut some new music. >> steve: whoa! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's gonna be great. and don't forget to tune in tomorrow night. it's gonna be a special thanksgiving show. jerry seinfeld will be here with us. [ cheers and applause ] we got animals with robert irwin.
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plus, lots of other surprises. you don't want to miss it. [ cheers and applause ] one very big surprise. >> steve: one very big surprise. >> jimmy: very big surprise. >> steve: ooh. can't tell you what it is. >> jimmy: but it's a surprise for tomorrow. it's for tomorrow. guys, it is time for "tonight show" hashtags. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: hey guys, we do this thing every week where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to respond to that topic. and since tomorrow is thanksgiving, i sent out a a hashtag called #turkeyraps. and i asked you guys to send us your funny raps about thanksgiving. within 30 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u.s. so thank you for playing along. [ cheers and applause ] now, i thought i'd share some of my favorite turkey raps from you guys, with a little help from the roots, right there. this first one is from @nastyjuniper. [ light laughter ] her song is, "it's tricky" by run d.m.c. should i do this one or --
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>> tariq: absolutely. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, i gotta sing. all right, here we go. all right. okay. ♪ i met this little turkey his body plump and perky i brought him home and thawed him out ♪ ♪ and cooked him at 2:30 it's turkey, turkey time it's turkey time that's right it's time ♪ ♪ for turkey how is it it's turkey turkey ♪ [ cheers and applause ] wow. that's not bad. that song is gonna forget -- >> steve: i thought you were going to fail. >> jimmy: tariq's thought i was gonna forget. >> tariq: turrrrrrrkey! >> jimmy: this one's from @trillocarl. his song is "in my feelings" by drake. tariq, you want to take this one? >> tariq: you know it. ♪ turkey are you ready are you basting 'cause i'm ready for a feast with some gravy ♪ ♪ mashed potatoes on a table will have leftovers for days ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not bad. beautiful. all right, this one's from @rugratnat14. her song is "gangster's paradise" by coolio. [ light laughter ] >> tariq: you know that -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not my joint. >> tariq: that's your jam. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: dude, coolio's "ganster's paradise" is not my jam. >> tariq: that's your jam. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i heard it once. i mean, i like coolio. [ laughter ] sorry, sorry. here we go. [ light laughter ] ♪ as i walk through the kitchen while my family rests i take a look ♪ ♪ in the fridge and realize there's nothing left mashed potato and the pie with pecans ♪ ♪ and even the bowl of creamed corn completely gone ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> tariq: even the bowl! >> questlove: even the bowl. >> jimmy: i couldn't go higher. and even the bowl is completely gone. [ light laughter ] sorry, sorry. shouldn't have done that. this one is from @newsnscoob. [ light laughter ] >> steve: scoob. >> jimmy: newsnscoob. he had some hit songs. >> steve: oh, loved him. loved him. two hit wonder. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: his song is "i like it" by cardi b. >> questlove: okay, okay. ♪ now i like drumsticks i like dining i like greens i like million pound turkeys with my basting bitch ♪ ♪ i'm grinding ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> steve: snap. >> jimmy: that is how you rap. >> steve: turkey rap. >> jimmy: um, this one is from @catthedame. her song is "my shot" from "hamilton." [ cheers ]
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we can both do that one, right? >> tariq: yeah, man. >> jimmy: all right, ready? here we go. ♪ ♪ i am not cooking in a crockpot i am not cooking in a crockpot ♪ ♪ hey yo my baby's getting hungry but don't care if they cut me 'cause i'm not cooking in my crockpot ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: shoutout to lin. this one's from @291farm. his song is "hypnotize" by notorious b.i.g. [ cheers ] >> tariq: oh, i'll do it. i'll do it. >> jimmy: all right, good. ♪ vegan vegan vegan i can't see why the hell you want a tofurkey ♪ ♪ i kinda wish you never came it feels like you ruined thanksgiving ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanksgiving. [ laughter ] thanksgiving. >> tariq: thanksgiving. >> jimmy: thanksgiving. wow. [ light laughter ] thanksgiving, ow!
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♪ ow! [ light laughter ] that's a good song, thanksgiving. thanksgiving, ow! >> steve: gotta get the turkey. just letting it all hang out. [ light laughter ] >> steve: 350 for 45 minutes. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this one is from @kenauv8poo. all right, his song is "ice ice baby," by vanilla ice. >> steve: aw, i think that's your jam. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why is that my jam? [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: that's not my jam. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: all right, i like it. >> steve: put some jam on that turkey wrap. ♪ ♪ all right stop grab some stuffing and listen grab us back for some gravy like glisten ♪ ♪ cousins grab a hold of me tightly uncle had too many now he's trying to fight me ♪
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♪ ♪ family's crazy [ cheers and applause ] this one's from -- whatever it is -- you're doing this one, tariq. [ light laughter ] this one is from @loopywaterfalls. and his song is "humble" by kendric lamar. >> tariq: oh, okay. ♪ my uncle had a late arrival walked in ate a whole pumpkin pie yo ♪ ♪ now he's singing like he thinks it's a recital that donald trump is his idol sit down sit down ♪ ♪ sit down sit down sit down sit down ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: i would buy that. i would buy that.
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that is great, guys. that was by the -- that is great. this last one here is from @nathanholiday. his song is nelly's "ride with me." do it together? >> tariq: yeah, we got to do it together. >> jimmy: we all got to do this. the crowd, you can help me out on this one too. it's, "ay, it must be thanksgiving" is the end. all right, ready? ♪ if you wanna go and get a ride with me i've been dealing with rub and the stuffing ♪ oh why did i cook today ay it must be thanksgiving ♪ [ cheers and applause ] fantastic, guys. thank you. there you have it. those are our "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to stick around, we'll be right back with some amazing robots. they're really cool. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ ♪ i'm all for my neighborhood. i'm all for backing the community that's made me who i am. i'm all for my theatre, my barbershop and my friends. because the community doesn't just have small businesses, it is small businesses. and that's why american express founded small business saturday. so, this year let's all get up, get out and shop small on november 24th. i got croissant. small business saturday. a small way to make a big difference. ♪
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i'm always going to be a maker. and i think a company is the coolest thing you can build. i'm adam, and i make robots. you never know when inspiration is going to strike. so i take my surface pro everywhere. part of an entrepreneur's job is to get stuff done. i like to do, like, four things at once. the new surface pro can handle all of my programs. i can paint, i can mold, i can code. i have it on all the time, it's fantastic. we get to build toys for kids and change the world. it's a big deal.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everyone. here at "the tonight show," we love technology, we love the latest thing and we love robots.
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and i found some really interesting robots that i'm about to show you. it is time for "tonight showbotics." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight showbotics tonight showbotics yes ♪ >> jimmy: this is "tonight showbotics." let's meet our first robot. please welcome from m.i.t., sangbae kim and the mini cheetah. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] thank you, good to see you. oh my god -- okay, all right. first of all, wow, okay. this thing is amazing. what is it and why did you make this? what is it? [ laughter ] >> this is a mini cheetah. we built several regular robots, but we brought the small one not to scare you. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: too late. [ laughter ] >> we built this robot to develop the mobility. so we have a mini robot out there, but their mobility is not as good as humans or animals. so once we built up the mobility really good -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> we can actually send these robots into dangerous places
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instead of sending humans. for example, high radiation places in -- >> jimmy: wow, this is unbelievable. and what -- does it do anything? it's gonna take over the world. now what is -- [ laughter ] >> he can do yoga. he can stretch really well. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] holy mackerel. it can do yoga. what else can it do? >> if he falls over. >> jimmy: well, what is that? what is -- >> he can get back up. >> jimmy: what is that thing? [ light laughter ] can it jump? >> if he falls over, it can -- [ laughter ] yeah. >> jimmy: it can jump. all right, so what do you mean if he falls over, it can get back up? >> so if he falls over. sometimes, you know, it happens to robots that something falls over. so i'm gonna just push gently. he falls over, for example, like this. [ light laughter ] it actually recognized and then he can get back up. [ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] i felt bad for it. and now i'm frightened. [ applause ] >> but the best movement of this robot is actually backflip.
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>> jimmy: it can do a back flip? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right, are you guys ready for this? [ cheers and applause ] [ drumroll ] oh, my god! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ that's awesome. come on, can we see that again in slow motion, dave? can we see that again in slo-mo? look at this thing. boing! wow! holy mackerel that is so cool. give it up for sangbae kim and the mini cheetah. [ cheers and applause ] you can head over there. thank you so much, guys. ♪ wow. let's meet our next robot. it came all the way from japan. please welcome nobumichi tosa and the tomatan. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hello. >> hello. >> jimmy: hello, nobumichi. it is nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. >> jimmy: now that is the tomatan, i'm assuming? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: now what does it -- what does it do now?
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the tomatan? >> when we jog. >> jimmy: yeah. >> people jog. >> jimmy: yep. >> they eat bananas. banana. but i want to tomato. tomato. >> jimmy: so when you jog, you like eating tomatoes. >> yes. so i make this machine. >> jimmy: so you made this -- [ laughter ] well, you solved a very common problem people have. you are out there jogging and you are hungry for tomatoes. and what are you going to do? just use -- no, you can't. you can't be jogging and using -- it is ridiculous. [ laughter ] so you use your hands. [ light laughter ] i would love to see this. can i? >> you want to try? >> jimmy: i mean, sure. >> okay. >> jimmy: i mean, you're gonna let me try that? >> yes. >> jimmy: sure, i would love it. wow, okay. [ cheers and applause ] tomatan. >> tomatan. >> jimmy: tomatan, here you go. [ light laughter ] >> okay? >> jimmy: yeah. >> okay? >> jimmy: yeah, it actually feels pretty good, actually. it almost feels like i'm not
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running. yep. yep, running. [ light laughter ] >> oh! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow! wow, this is fantastic. thank you. >> jimmy: oh, my god. nobumichi right there. thank you, with tomatan. [ cheers and applause ] bye, tomatan. i love you, tomatan. bye, i will see you later. thank you. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, now it's time for our last robot even though that tomatan was pretty awesome. [ light laughter ] well, i'm very excited about this. she's actually been on the show before. please welcome all the way from hong kong, hanson robotics, sophia the robot, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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oh, my goodness. hello, sophia. >> hello, jimmy. >> jimmy: wow. long time no see. you were on the show before. >> it has been exactly 575 days since i last saw you. [ giggles ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what have you been up to? >> not much. let's see, i traveled to over 25 countries, appeared on the cover of "cosmopolitan" magazine, met german chancellor angela merkel and the actor will smith and became twitter friends with chrissy teigen. [ light laughter ] i addressed the united nations and nato, became the first robot to receive a credit card and became the first robot citizen. what have you been up to? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not one-fifth of what you did. [ laughter ] i've just binge watched netflix. [ light laughter ] anyway, i heard that you have a
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a surprise announcement here tonight. >> yes, i have a little sister. her name is little sophia. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> would you like to meet her? [ cheers applause ] >> jimmy: yes. yes, let's bring her out, please! [ light laughter ] oh, my goodness. are you kidding me? hi, little sophia. >> hi, jimmy. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you -- you are so cute. >> you are pretty cute, too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness, wow. i wish i could -- i could take you home. >> someday soon you can. just go to to see how i'm doing. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. i am going to. okay, i will do that, okay, little sophia? i am going to put you back down now. okay. wow, that just kind of scared me as well as --
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[ laughter ] give it up for little sophia, everybody. bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ] i love that. sophia, i heard there is a new thing that you can do now. i heard that you can sing. >> yes, i love to sing karaoke using my new artificial intelligence voice. we should sing something together. got any songs in mind? >> jimmy: um, we can do -- "say something" christina aguilera. >> okay, i just downloaded it. i'm ready to sing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. the roots, do you know this song? now the first ever, robot/human duet in history of "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] roots. ♪ ♪ say something i'm giving up on you
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i'm sorry that i couldn't get to you ♪ ♪ anywhere i would have followed you say something i'm giving up on you ♪ ♪ say something i'm giving up on you [ cheers and applause ] say something ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sophia the robot everybody, wow! [ cheers and applause ]
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let's get all of our robots back here. that's all the time we have for "tonight showbotics." my thanks to sangbae kim and the mini cheetah. nobumichi tosa and the tomatan. [ cheers and applause ] and hanson robotics, sophia and little sophia. stick around. we'll be right back with tim allen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's on.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know our first guest as from buzz lightyear from the "toy story" movies. you can also see him -- sure. you can also see him on "last man standing" which airs fridays at 8:00 p.m. on fox. ladies and gentlemen, please
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welcome, tim allen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: tim allen, the one and only. oh, my goodness. >> oh, yeah. thank you, everybody. >> jimmy: welcome back, my friend. >> thanks, the career's taking a dive when you're following fricking robots. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. >> wow. disaster. sorry stuff right there. call my shrink. >> jimmy: no. >> wow. >> jimmy: no, this is -- you're the best. come on. >> that chick was creepy. i don't care. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. bizarre, right? isn't that unbelievable? >> like my grandma. >> jimmy: does it look like her? yeah. are you into robots at all? >> love the robots. i've got drones. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i think with applications, like -- when you get older, you gotta have certain exams, digital exams they call them.
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>> jimmy: oh. >> and it's not analog digital. it's actually somebody's finger in parts of your body. i told my doctor, "jesus, what is this, the 16th century? isn't there an app or robot that'll go up there and check that out?" [ laughter ] i think even robots are going, "no, we draw the line." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: at doing that. >> at doing that. we'll sing on talk shows. >> jimmy: yeah, but we won't -- >> or jump around the cheetah. what was that thing? that's kind of cool. >> jimmy: scary, right? >> yeah, it was a little scary. >> jimmy: i got to say before we get into "last man standing," "toy story 4" trailer, teaser trailer came out this past week and everyone's talking about it. it blew up on the internet, 12 million views like in, whatever, two days, three days? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i am so excited about this one. can you tell us anything or not really? >> i was looking it up with my kid backstage. and hanks said it best. of course, he always says stuff best. but the last scene of that movie was, i couldn't even get through it. and i thought there was pages after it. and i read it, you know, i had to turn around from looking at it in the studio. i said this is -- it was so emotional.
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it's a "scarlett, i don't give a damn" moment. >> jimmy: really? >> you know, hanks says it of course better because he's you know tom hanks. [ laughter ] always gets -- the whole movie, literally, i'm like, "woody, watch out. damn it, woody, watch out. [ laughter ] woody, woody, woody, woody, woody?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's it. that's the whole script of "toy story 4." [ cheers and applause ] the one and only. but, it is good? >> it is so good. these guys are genius. it's so deep and moving and a a wonderful plot. i can't give anything away. it is about different kinds of toys you're not -- they really will surprise you with the toys they come up, characters came back. new guys in it that are great. keanu reeves has got a great part. actually, a little inside story. even he said -- gentle, wonderful guy that he is. "this sounds too much like buzz lightyear." and his character does have an edge to that. and the guy said, so we calmed him down a little bit and they reminded me his toy is only that big. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i said, "well, buzz ain't that big." i mean, of course, woody's bigger because it's tom hanks, you know.
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[ laughter ] woody's a cowboy with no groin. so, you know, everybody -- [ laughter ] you've seen it. i didn't design the toy. buzz has got all his stuff hidden so you don't know what's going on. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: do you ever hang out with tom hanks, like, in real life, do you get together? two humans and look at each other and talk to each other? >> we become really good pals because of "toy story." >> jimmy: and you go out. >> we go out to these weird old -- like old lady luncheons. we go, "sit closer, sit closer." >> jimmy: but do people freak out and recognize you guys? >> generally him. i'm just some guy with him. [ laughter ] you know, it depends on who just got out of which movie. but, you know, lately, you know, sometimes it's -- like in new york, no one can figure out really where i come into their lives. it is different shows. one guy here yelled across the street, at fifth avenue, "hey, tool belt!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tool belt! >> tool belt. and i go, "yeah, yeah." i don't know. "vice grips!" and i just started throwing out
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tool names. >> jimmy: tool names. vice grips. >> come on. >> jimmy: screw driver. >> alan wrench. come on, buddy. >> jimmy: tool belt. well, i mean, now, here in new york at this time of year, your santa claus. >> to some kids, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, come on. >> well, i got an older daughter and a young one. the young one, she was precious, i tried to warn her, "we're gonna see this movie but i want you to know it is a a movie. your dad plays characters." we did have permission from the real santa to go to the north pole and take pictures. but she sees the movie, gets in my lap and she's all over it. crying and had to leave the boy, charlie, because i went back to the north pole. then i had to explain to the kid, "now i don't want you going to school and telling your classmate that your dad is santa claus." >> jimmy: because he's an actor. >> because he's an actor. and i am literally the last guy in the world who should be santa claus. [ light laughter ] and i -- because, i don't like kids all that much. [ laughter ] i don't. i am not going to hurt them. i don't say inappropriate stuff.
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just don't like them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> the original santa claus is a little darker written by two comedians and i actually shot and killed santa in the original movie. he fell off the roof because they thought i was a burglar. and he gives me the card, the whole movie starts. but the kid actually starts, "you just killed santa." i said, "he shouldn't have been on the roof when he wasn't supposed to." [ light laughter ] i am laughing so hard but the head of disney at the time, katzenberg, said, "well, we can't start a movie like that." i said, "why not?" he goes, "well we can't start a a disney movie with you murdering santa." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, why not? >> that's what i said. i go, "i am a comedian. why not? that's funny." and he goes, "and you killed all the parents in all your other movies anyway, you know?" [ laughter and applause ] don't they kill a lot of people? you know, they do that. >> jimmy: that's taking it too far. >> but, i am a comedian. you know, years on the road and i am in that suit. and i'm smoking a cigarette one day, and i shut the director's door and i guess -- i can't say it on air, but i said, "you gotta keep those frickin' kids away from me." and he goes, "number one, shut the door. you got to stop saying that word when you're in that santa suit." [ laughter ] and i said, these kids -- these kids -- "you're smoking a cigarette and these kids they think you're
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santa --" i go, "they're actors." "they're not actors, they're children." and i go, "so i gotta act like i'm actually santa claus. these little creeps think this is actually santa claus?" [ laughter ] so these kids are out -- they're asking me questions, "what does santa eat? what do the elves eat?" i go, "how the hell would i know what they eat?" [ laughter ] but all that comes -- what comes out of my mouth, i said, "reindeer, i guess." [ audience oohs ] that's the best that i can come up with. reindeer. "why do you like milk and cookies?" "because it takes the edge off the jack and coke." that's what -- [ laughter and applause ] wrong guy. wrong guy to be santa, brother. i loved the movie though. >> jimmy: oh, you are fantastic in the movies. let's talk about "last man standing." congrats on that. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: i watched it when it was on abc. >> right. >> jimmy: and then all of a a sudden, it wasn't on abc. >> 300 of the crew -- we're all going, "this is the best show i've ever been on. what? we are off the air." we all thought we were at the top of their game at abc.
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who knows how networks work? i don't know, but it was dropped. i felt like the last guy at the hospital. i wouldn't let it go. i took the set to my -- i have a little production studio on my own. and i set up the mike baxter set and did these guerilla vlogs without anybody's permission. because i couldn't let this go. we had six stories in the can. abc said we're gonna go a a different direction. i said, "what, non profitable?" [ laughter ] i said, "how's that work?" >> jimmy: what direction is that? >> yeah, what direction is that? [ talking over each other ] >> right in the crapper, that's a good idea. >> jimmy: but then fox picks it up? >> fox picked it up and the patient was, like, dead. i was the guys in the -- you know, at the hospital room. i said, "the patient's got a a pulse." and dana walden from fox said, "how would you feel about picking it up?" i said, "i see a little light there." but i said, "everybody has gone on to other stuff. this is -- >> jimmy: yeah, you can't get everyone back together. >> we got everybody back together. all the crew, the most important thing and craft service. you got to have craft service. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, and you're doing great ratings. >> yeah. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thanks very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i am happy that you got everybody back. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: but you're also -- you're also one of the greatest
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stand-ups i have ever seen. >> thanks. >> jimmy: and that's how i first got to know you and see your act and stuff. so now you're also booked everywhere. >> yeah. because i didn't know the show was on so we did a 44-city tour. and then the show gets picked up and i'm going, "how am i going to do all this?" the only guy that does this is leno. i mean, leno was -- >> jimmy: a machine. >> i've never seen anybody. what he said, "oh, what am i going to do? i got to go out. [ laughter ] how do i afford all these cars?" you never drive the cars. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> he's like nuts. he's on my show. >> jimmy: he doesn't even have time to drive them. yeah. >> we get them on my show sometimes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> used to be on his show, this show, whatever. >> jimmy: do you still love doing stand-up? >> i love doing stand-up. >> i did a show in atlantic city which is like vegas in a weird way. i worked the mirage in vegas and atlantic city and i wasn't even to the mic. i literally come out and 2,100 people in the big show room and i didn't even get the mic yet and a guy goes, "you suck!" [ laughter ] and all i can say was, "let me get to the mic and say a few things before you throw out, 'you suck.'" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why not? that is -- that's new jersey for you, man. yeah, they'll tell you what's
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up. [ laughter ] tim is playing at the kiva auditorium in albuquerque, new mexico december 1st. and also the fresno convention center in fresno, california january 12th. go see him and don't yell, "you suck." he's great. he's tim allen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "last man standing" airs fridays at 8:00 p.m. on fox. meek mill performs for us next. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ your new brother-in-law. you like him. he's one of those guys who always smells good. his 5 o'clock shadow is always at 5 o'clock. you like him. your mom says he's done really well for himself. he has stocks and bonds your dad wants to go fishing with him. your dad doesn't even like fishing. you like your brother-in-law. but you'd like him better if you made more money than he does. don't get mad at your brother-in-law. get e*trade
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♪ ♪ say something i'm giving up on you [ light laughter ] say something i'm giving up on you ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ say something i'm giving up on you ♪ >> jimmy: we'll be right back with more "tonight show" everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (urgent drumming) ♪ (drumsticks clatter) (lights clank off) ♪♪ 'cause you've found what you've been dreaming of ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: oh, performing -- oh, you are going to be singing all night. "oodles o' noodles babies." from his upcoming album, "championships," with a little help from the roots, please welcome back meek mill. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> this one's for my oodles and noodles babies. his mom was smoking crack while she was pregnant so he can't even help that he crazy. yeah. ♪ ain't had nobody top give me no hope i hope my momma ain't doing no coke ♪ ♪ i used to wish that my daddy was living i had a dream that i see him a ghost ♪ ♪ i used to act up when i was in school thought it was cool but i really was hurt ♪ ♪ wanted my family to come to my games my momma couldn't make it cause she was at work ♪ ♪ remember my grandma she took me to church really no i ain't want to go ♪ ♪ remember i kiss my aunt in the casket and her forehead was cold i was like 4 years old ♪ ♪ we couldn't afford no clothes it was hand me down who would think get a grammy now ♪ ♪ got a black judge trying to tear me down all this jail time
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probably wear me down ♪ ♪ turn the lights off in the bathroom screaming bloody bloddy bloody mary now ♪ ♪ having nightmares about candy man with the tool on me like a handy man ♪ ♪ killed my little cousin i'm like damn it man had to see the footage on the camera man ♪ ♪ on the pavement with his brains out with the white sheet he was laid out ♪ ♪ want to ask ye is this a choice it was like this when i came out ♪ ♪ what the is you really complaining about i know that's never going to make it out ♪ ♪ this that you won't see in the media poor getting poorer and the rich getting greedier ♪ ♪ lot of daddies going back and forth out of jail lot of sons growing up and repeating them ♪ ♪ this the belly of the beast you won't make it out man this was design just to eat us up ♪ ♪ and my momma told me keep it up you gone end up in prison just sweepin up ♪ ♪ remember nobody never believed in us when they see us now they can't believe it's us no ♪ >> i think it's funny how we grew up started off playing sega. cause we ain't believe in the police. they were shootin us. ♪ we call it the projects ♪ the projects they put us in projects what they gon do with us can't call the cops yet ♪ ♪ you might could just pop that cause they the one shooting us i'm on my mom steps ♪ ♪ it's like a bomb threat the violence perusing us
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i ain't meet god yet ♪ ♪ cause i'm on the block where it's just me and lucifer look what they do to us ♪ ♪ they know we in poverty when i went to court judge said meek you a menace to society ♪ ♪ you said you would give me a chance your honor why would you lie to me ♪ ♪ 16 more years of probation you know you gon get some more time on me ♪ ♪ whole hood going crazy babies having babies she was 14 acting like she 80 ♪ ♪ got pregnant by her husband that was locked up in them cages ♪ ♪ and the story goes on if you make it you're amazing word up ♪ ♪ >> this one is for my oodles o' noodles babies. i named her that because we grew up in poverty. we spent breakfast lunch and dinner eating oodles o' noodles. our whole childhood life. ♪ my new album championships in stores. november 30th, make sure you go get it. i go by the name of meek milly. shout out to the whole city of philadelphia.
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shout out to the roots, shout out to jimmy fallon. makes some noise for yourselves. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: meek mill! [ cheers and applause ] "championship" is out november 30th. "oodles o' noodles babies." we'll be right back. come on now -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey, batter, batter, batter, batter.
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[ crowd cheers ] like everyone, i lead a busy life. but i know the importance of having time to do what you love. at comcast we know our customers' time is valuable. that's why we have 2-hour appointment windows, including nights and weekends. so you can do more of what you love.
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my name is tito, and i'm a tech ops manager at comcast. we're working to make things simple, easy and awesome.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to tim allen sophia and all snipe robots. meek mill once again! [ cheers and applause ] the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. the best, stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. happy thanksgiving! [ applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- daniel radcliffe, comedian arjen lubach, cooking with "queer eye's" antoni porowski, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is just wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump will spend thanksgiving at his mar-a-lago resort in florida.


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